Kim s Feelings
by krizue
Summary: A little study on kim's feelings and thoughts on the progression of her relationship with Ruzek parting from when Voigt told her she wasn't going upstairs because of her relationship with a detective.


**I'd like to think that the scene of him appearing on her doorstep happened a few days later, after them both had time to think and process everything. A long relationship just finished for him and while it clearly it didn't break his heart I believe he needed time to adjust to his new "** _ **free status".**_ **Why was it over? Wendy and Adam had problems, and Kim clearly wasn't one of them. What to do with the freedom?**

 **This was harder to write than I expected, Kim's POV just doesn't come that easy… I'm not sure if I managed to sound coherent… Still, this are her thoughts on the progression of their relationship, parting from when Voigt told her she wasn't going upstairs because of her relationship with a detective; so it doesn't need to be all that cohesive…**

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She couldn't believe it, had the nerve to speak to her as if nothing had happened… she was basically just treated like a common whore who was willing to do anything to climb up the ladder, while he continued to smile charmingly… she just couldn't understand him. First he flirted with her, lead her on only to put a stop on things before they actually started, and she got it… he had a _fiancée_ and she was just the girl at work who made him laugh…. And OMG, perhaps she _was_ a whore, why the hell did she kiss an engaged man? Why did she flirt back when she knew he was in a relationship? No, she was just responding to the attention a handsome guy paid her … and nothing really happened.

She was just so upset; she wanted to hit something, go to the shooting range or do whatever that could rid her form the rage. It was so weird for her to feel like this; she was normally calmed and collected, but this was too much…. her superior, someone she looked up to and who she wanted to work with, basically told her she was a gold digger: that she was sleeping around to get somewhere… Ugh… It was so unfair!

She was happy for Atwater, she really was. After all Kevin was her friend and a good cop… (Even when in all honesty, she had a little more merit than him). It was so insulting! And to make things worst she wasn't even _sleeping_ with Adam… nothing had happened! Just a kiss and a little flirting. Nothing too bad or _scandalous_. She had seen Halstead flirt with Lindsay in a way more obvious way the Ada… No _Ruzek_ did with her.

Anyway, she was on her way to her locker when _Ruzek_ appeared out of nowhere to congratulate her for her recent bust… and _honestly_!? She could have started working upstairs. She could have been in intelligence, starting to live her dream starting the next day; instead she was dreading the prospect of finding a new partner, especially with how the sergeant looked at her earlier at the desk. She remembered some of the people she went to the academy with… she couldn't understand why some people actually went through with it if they hated it so much. Some of her partners were so lame, so ridiculous and stupid and so not _meant_ to be cops… she dreaded to be partnered with one of those people that wanted nothing more than patrol the streets of a quiet neighborhood and eat bagels while they gossip about the people that surrounded them… she had changed her life looking for some meaning, and controlling the traffic and helping kids cross the street wasn't what she expected to do for the rest of her life.

So she answered him a little sarcastically without acting too bitchy (it was other she didn't really appreciate, wasting time in being purposeful mean to another), letting him know that she had no time for his BS and she was pleased to see he was shocked by her reaction. What he expected? Sure, she was easygoing, positive and normally a pretty easy gal to deal with… but if he was expecting the usual banter between them, he was mistaken. The playfulness between them had to stop, it all started with innocent laughs and teasing and ended up keeping her away from her dreams… And she couldn't stop thinking that _nothing really happened._ She would never sleep with someone to gain something; she just wasn't that kind of girl... if she had slept with him it would have been because she liked him, because she was attracted to him and him to her. But maybe (even if the intention behind it was misunderstood) if something had _actually_ happened she wouldn't feel so absolutely horrible with the situation… perhaps there would be a tangible _reason_ for Voight not to promote her.

And back to his somewhat hopeful expression… she felt a little rage; it was that cute smile of his that started all of this… His indecision with his feelings landed her in the limbo she was currently. Because there was no denying that her feelings for him run deeper than a simple friendship; she was comfortable with Kevin, they spend many hours together, laughed and cared about each other, but she didn't feel butterflies in her stomach every time Kevin smiled at her. So yes, there was no mistaking it for friendship; in fact it had been a long time since she felt like _this_ when she was near a man. Of course he had to be an engaged man.

She was pragmatic, she didn't believe in wasting her time crying over things that couldn't be changed; she was going to work extra hard to earn some recognition in her precinct and to dispel any kind of lingering doubts on how much _she deserved_ being noticed. She had to put some distance between Adam first, _Ruzek_ and her and deal with any feelings beyond friendship she may have for him.

That meant being honest with herself, so that night after shift instead of going home even when she was dead tired she went to a little Italian place she loved and ordered her favorite pasta along with a good wine and indulged herself. It's not like she is in love with him; she doesn't know him enough for that, but she certainly _likes_ him. He is compassionate and kind; he can be though and strong and gentle in the next moment if the situation requires it; he is patient and likes doing things the right way; nothing halfway…. And he is handsome too.

She goes back and thinks about the first few times they spoke and once again sees that this _thing_ between them wasn't one-sided. It started slowly with a few jokes and anecdotes told in moments of need and he definitely has around her more than it was necessary or it was common for a patrol officer and a detective when they weren't working a case together.

And if she thinks about his relationship with his fiancée (she can't help it… she doesn't want to be a _home breaker_ even when nothing really happened between them) she noticed that he was too eager at times to spend time around in the precinct, doing this or the other; perhaps some times could be passed as interest and thirst to prove himself but at times it seemed as if he preferred to _appear_ being busy than going somewhere else. And perhaps she was reading too much into his behavior, after all she didn't know him that well. But she remembered that time when they worked together on the cellphones case, and how he didn't seem all that enthusiastic about his girlfriend's racy pictures (but perhaps that was just because they were very ill timed). In any case it appeared as if he was distancing himself from Wendy, and coming closer to her.

And that's when she started getting confused, at first the jesting and teasing was fun and easy to identify as pure camaraderie, a laugh here and a little mocking there; the recognition of her skills when she was asked to help in an intelligence case; pretty simple. Then the saves from the sergeant's attitude came more often and in the meanwhile, with every case she worked upstairs and every time they crossed paths in the precinct, the smiles (heart stopping smiles) became more frequent, him touching her elbow or shoulder at random moments also became a common occurrence (and he didn't touch his other partners), sometimes when they were alone his voice dropped an octave to talk to her and more than once he caught him staring at her butt. So no, it wasn't one-sided, but he had a commitment and he shouldn't have leaded her on.

There was that day when she smiled him as she always did, and he told her that he had decided to give his relationship with his girlfriend a shot; that day she got confirmation that what they were doing was more than innocent flirting; and knew when any possibility was doomed. Even then, he continued smiling at him from afar… and really the hot and cold attitude left her confused and hurt more often than not… And that was it, after finishing her second glass of wine, she paid and left the restaurant having reached a conclusion… and since up to that point that was the pattern with him; she decided to keep her distance, and let her feelings fade with time.

Little did she know that a couple of days later he would appear at her door with that damn heart stopping smile telling her that he liked her.

And that was it, after all things between them were never all that complicated, they understood the other and somehow seemed to know the other without much effort.

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 **So, this is it!**

 **I hope I put a voice to her jumbled thoughts and feelings during this time….**

 **Please let me know what you thought of it…**


End file.
